Seeking Self-Esteem!

Have you ever wondered what your kids really think of you or what they see when they look at you? I remember when I did the Ironman Florida in November. Thinking of my kids helped me get through it. I also felt I was being a good example to them in regards to being a strong, healthy mom. Someone who had a goal and saw it to the finish. When Ken was running all over the marathon course trying to see me, I would see the kids and get so excited and they would pump me up regardless of how bad I felt. On the run course the first time I saw all my guys they were together. They next time I saw them Garrett was restless. The third time Garrett was no where around (he was in the car playing his DS) but Ken and Connor were still there. The final time it was just Ken as Connor had passed out and Garrett was still playing his DS. When I finished, Connor was still out cold and as I leaned into Garrett to get my kiss, he looked like he was in the flight or fight mode. Months later I asked them both what they thought of mommy doing the race. Connor said it was too long and boring – he said nothing about me! And Garrett said at the end he wasn’t sure if I was going to puke on him, I was all smelly and sweaty and he didn’t want me anywhere near him. That’s it – that’s all I got out of that experience.

So here we are 6 months later and I’m dealing with a 5 year old who is killing my self-esteem. He thinks he’s funny but he’s keeps asking me if I know I’m fat. He’ll say, “mom, you know you’re chunky right?!” When I tell him I know, he then proceeds to say, “well you are – your belly jiggles a LOT!” Thanks kid! He then likes to follow it up by telling me I look old. Now I’m not saying I always look the best but give me a little room here buddy. Truth is, I am old but he doesn’t need to remind me. The final blow is when he thinks he’s being off the chart funny and wants a reaction from me. He’ll peep around the corner, put up the “L” with his fingers and call me a Loser. Isn’t that nice?! Of course I chase him and it’s all funny but I think I’m just chasing my self-esteem at this point. I wonder if I hold him down and tickle him if he'll relinquish and tell me I’m gorgeous, beautiful, young and the most rockin mom ever. Doubt it but a girl has to have a dream.

Now there’s Garrett. He's just in his own world these days. We’re always talking and hanging out and I still feel like we’re really close. Well Friday night I was at the dermatologist getting some of my brown spots frozen so they’d fall off and I’d have fewer brown spots (see what Connor has done to me J). What happens is the brown spots that are frozen end up getting about 10 times darker. It looks awful – kind of like I have some kind of skin disorder. I made sure to explain it to any adult I had to come into contact with over the weekend. I didn’t want them running for the woods thinking I had leprosy. So here we are on Monday night. I’m picking up Garrett from after-care and as we’re walking out, he looks at me, stops and says, “Mom, what’s all over your face?” I mean are you kidding me? These spots have been there for 4 days and you’re just noticing them now? Did you look at me at all the last 4 days? What's up with that?!

I guess the bottom line is kids see us in their own special way! I can’t always say I love what they tell me nor is it what I’d like them to see but it is what it is! Self-esteem here I come.