Seeking Self-Esteem!

Have you ever wondered what your kids really think of you or what they see when they look at you? I remember when I did the Ironman Florida in November. Thinking of my kids helped me get through it. I also felt I was being a good example to them in regards to being a strong, healthy mom. Someone who had a goal and saw it to the finish. When Ken was running all over the marathon course trying to see me, I would see the kids and get so excited and they would pump me up regardless of how bad I felt. On the run course the first time I saw all my guys they were together. They next time I saw them Garrett was restless. The third time Garrett was no where around (he was in the car playing his DS) but Ken and Connor were still there. The final time it was just Ken as Connor had passed out and Garrett was still playing his DS. When I finished, Connor was still out cold and as I leaned into Garrett to get my kiss, he looked like he was in the flight or fight mode. Months later I asked them both what they thought of mommy doing the race. Connor said it was too long and boring – he said nothing about me! And Garrett said at the end he wasn’t sure if I was going to puke on him, I was all smelly and sweaty and he didn’t want me anywhere near him. That’s it – that’s all I got out of that experience.

So here we are 6 months later and I’m dealing with a 5 year old who is killing my self-esteem. He thinks he’s funny but he’s keeps asking me if I know I’m fat. He’ll say, “mom, you know you’re chunky right?!” When I tell him I know, he then proceeds to say, “well you are – your belly jiggles a LOT!” Thanks kid! He then likes to follow it up by telling me I look old. Now I’m not saying I always look the best but give me a little room here buddy. Truth is, I am old but he doesn’t need to remind me. The final blow is when he thinks he’s being off the chart funny and wants a reaction from me. He’ll peep around the corner, put up the “L” with his fingers and call me a Loser. Isn’t that nice?! Of course I chase him and it’s all funny but I think I’m just chasing my self-esteem at this point. I wonder if I hold him down and tickle him if he'll relinquish and tell me I’m gorgeous, beautiful, young and the most rockin mom ever. Doubt it but a girl has to have a dream.

Now there’s Garrett. He's just in his own world these days. We’re always talking and hanging out and I still feel like we’re really close. Well Friday night I was at the dermatologist getting some of my brown spots frozen so they’d fall off and I’d have fewer brown spots (see what Connor has done to me J). What happens is the brown spots that are frozen end up getting about 10 times darker. It looks awful – kind of like I have some kind of skin disorder. I made sure to explain it to any adult I had to come into contact with over the weekend. I didn’t want them running for the woods thinking I had leprosy. So here we are on Monday night. I’m picking up Garrett from after-care and as we’re walking out, he looks at me, stops and says, “Mom, what’s all over your face?” I mean are you kidding me? These spots have been there for 4 days and you’re just noticing them now? Did you look at me at all the last 4 days? What's up with that?!

I guess the bottom line is kids see us in their own special way! I can’t always say I love what they tell me nor is it what I’d like them to see but it is what it is! Self-esteem here I come.

Mash Potatoes & the Moon

So it’s been a bit since my last entry. Sometimes I just feel like life is moving at warp speed. Way to fast for even “Scottie” to beam me in. I just miss the ship completely. I guess that’s why I was in a poor mood the other night. It had been one of those days where things were busy and the kids who although were good, were crazy and talkative and just plain loud all day. I think my patience and tolerance had dipped but boy I had no idea how low.

I made dinner – meatloaf, garlic bread and mash potatoes. Garrett has always been a difficult kid when it comes to food. He eats from the beige food group and if it falls outside of that little known food group – come hell or high water it’s a knock down, thrown down of a show to get him to eat it. We decided several years ago to have the 1 bite rule. Deal is you take one bite and if you don’t like it you don’t have to eat it. It helps in getting Garrett to just try things. It can still be a struggle but he’ll usually at least take one bite. Well – not tonight. You’d think he’d have had issues with the meatloaf since it’s not really beige – nope, it was the mash potatoes. This was one of those moments where I just thought he must be messing with me. What kid doesn’t like or won’t at least try mash potatoes????? Come on – it’s a French fry mushed up. Seriously!!! Well these mashed potatoes had cheese in them and that was his issue. So here we are at dinner, I’m already in a piss poor mood, I’ve spent the last ½ hour making dinner and it’s Sunday night – our family round the table, spread the love time. Ken’s eating, Connor is devouring, and Garrett and I are just staring at each other. Then the tears well up in his eyes and it’s as if I asked him to kill the dog or something. Total emotion. Bottom line – he still needs to take a bite. It’s like a power play…if you give in over this then he’ll work you next time as well. To make a long story short, over much drama Garrett finally took a bite, promptly told us it was disgusting and spit it in the trash. Now I’m just pissed! I got up from the table, grabbed all the plates off the table, condiments, drinks, slammed everything in the sink for cleaning, opened and closed (loudly) all cabinets and doors while putting things away. Yup, I threw my own tantrum. Ken told Garrett he needed to apologize. Garrett looks at me and said he was sorry. You know what went through my head – that I wanted to tell him, “Whatever!” I just didn’t care, I was too mad. He later came up and apologized again, in earnest and I still didn’t want to accept it. So where is the funny in all of this? It dawned on me. Who was the real 5 yr old in the house? It wasn’t Ken (age 41), it wasn’t Connor (age 5), it wasn’t even Garrett (age 9) – it was me! Ha! They say that kids make you feel young again…uh huh! They sure do!

On a much lighter and truly funny note we have a story from our little Connor. Last night after the bath he wanted to get into his skull & crossbones robe. He cracks me up running around in this thing. It’s black with white skulls & bones on it. I think Connor thinks he’s a toughie in it. Ken put him to bed and instead of wearing having Connor wear his PJ’s, he asked to stay in his robe and Ken let him. Well at about 5am this morning, our little man came stumbling in our room and hopped into bed. I left at around 5:45 to go swim and left Ken and Connor snuggled together holding hands (a requirement from Connor when he gets in our bed). When I got home, Ken told me that when he woke up, Connor had turned himself around in the bed and so that his head was at Ken’s feet and Connor’s butt (bare underneath the robe) was exposed and in Ken’s face! Nothing like a morning moon to get you going!